Monday, April 24, 2006

 

pressed for words...

From: Daemon, Blogger

dear reader,

we at blogger.com are offerring our best,seasoned and most talented bloggers a chance to make it famous with a host of new features and a vast array of themes. we hope you will enjoy this.

for the rest of you low level engineers,managers, doctors, iim graduates, ....... , your blog and every blog on your blogroll will be deleted unless you migrate to a better looking blog such as ** this one ** on wordpress immediately.

regards,
blogger daemon

.....


Saturday, April 22, 2006

 

mourning for dummies

Welcome, to 'Mourning for Dummies'...

The ingredients for this recipie are all easily available and im sure each and every one of you will be well prepared for mourning in style!!

ingredients:
10 juveniles, free for the day
3 policemen
2-3 goats
sticks
stones
tires, preferably steel radial
buses, for taste
buildings made entirely of glass (presentation items)
electrical pliers
VHF/UHF selective noise generators
sports equipment
some 'bhangra' music
food for thought

method:

1. take two juveniles, a hockey stick and a goat each and mix them together. the goat should be a scapegoat prefereably. mix them properly to form a nice thin and fluffy 'diversion', that will attract the police men and flies from all over town. then scoot from the area and let the diversion settle in the freezer.

2. now that the policemen and scapegoats are out of the way, lets work on the tires. take 3-5 tires and mix them well with a few drops of vanilla essence. Now douse well in brandy and sprinkle some brown sugar and icing sugar to give it a heavenly look. remember to light the 'rings of heaven' on fire before serving. you will get the sweet smell of vanilla,caramel and burning rubber. now play the bhangra music and make the juveniles smile and dance in the background while the news crew use Optical face recognition to find out who you are ( to arrest your sorry ass, the minute this is over ) and broadcast it to the world

3. take 2 juveniles, some sticks and stones and look for a fresh bus. The fresher , the better. the freshness can be identified by breaking off a window or two. if you hear a crisp crackling sound, you know its fresh. now we want to bake the bus to a near golden brown colour, so make a few holes in the bus with the sticks and stones. choose sticks and stones that will break your bones for best results. now after you have prepared the batter ... i.e. the battered bus, set it on fire until you see a light golden brown. when you see this, run for your life, since the fuel tank is most likely to explode.

4. now for the decorative images, look for a building made entirely of glass, and proceed to redesign its front walls to look like the broken lcd of a calculator. remember the motto, leave no stone unturned, and , if the windows aint crashed, then theres something wrong. So proceed to break every alternate window. And assign points if your stone hit your target window.

5. now comes the fancy part. Locate your cable operators / broadband service providers. use the electrical pliers to splice the satellite uplink/downlink cables and connect it to your set top UHV/VHF transceiver. Now tune in the CRO to make sure that all intelligent signals are drowned out , and only white noise is allowed over the analog medium. ( ** For those using DTH services, now you can receive white noise in 5.1 digital surround sound ** ) . The same can be done with the nearest radio station.

6. If you are still not happy, then go to the nearest cellular operator and hijack their tower to broadcast your own signal. Now the only thing a frigging GSM / CDMA user is going to hear on their phones is what you transmit... ( how about the handshaking music all day ? eh ? )

Serve all the items fresh and make sure that all shopkeepers are out celebrating with you.
When all the others return home starved, take out the food for thought and eat half of it.
Keep the other half for the remaining of the celebrations...

~tta

Saturday, April 08, 2006

 

hijackers, redheads and low skirts

hijack ... is the forcible robbery from, or seizure of, a vehicle in transit. One who hijacks is known as a hijacker.

(wikipedia..) either way, mani is well versed with the art of being hijacked. broadly classified into weekend and workend .

a weekend/workend hijack is the forcible capturing of ones ability to conciously make a decision that encompasses the scheduling of planned/unplanned activities in the near future. now the only thing worse than not having a plan, is, the hijacker ensuring (by powers beyond your own control) that you cannot have a plan.

the downside of a hijacking is that someone else now controls your every move... sounds mighty similar to a real hijacking doesnt it?

manijacking is the process of having to sacrifice ones financial independence in order to satisfy the debitary condition caused by the society having to console thier palate by alienating themselves from their base location....

manijacking can be spotted by watching for the fateful keywords "u~pe" ... (pronounced as 'u--p-ay' ) ...

Now. coming to the redheads? i have seen scores of hot redheads and (not black heads) dark haired beauties parading around flaunting themselves . These redheads walk around the house topless ( and bottomless ) taking control of whichever sector they please, and occasionally taking a bite out of me.... Damn those blasted redheads...

As for the low skirts... Mani was fortunate enough to attend the Medc .. the maicrosshoft hembedded thevelopers konference call in the workend hijack of april. On the last day, of the Medc india challenge,

"Microsoft Gives away Apache for the MEDC India challenge"

Well... i doubt if it will make much sense to most, but for those who do get the jist .... theres my point. Who saw it coming ? Yes , and the host mentioned about why ladies are not called gentle ... as in gentlemen. Assume you fall asleep on a bus/train and due to an involuntary muscle spasm that causes a constriction in the fibres of your neck , god forbid, making your head tilt to one side, and possibly land on the shoulder of the pretty lass sitting next to you...

:: SLAP :: ( this was a unanimous response.... no choices needed, we are sure this is the end result...)

Now reverse the roles here... If by chance this pretty lass happens to fall asleep on the tramp... then (like the host said) , the gentle (tramp) man would most probably miss his stop (or for that matter, be as still as possible ) ...

See.. Gentle man ... :D .. Also, this gentle man happened to see some mighty fine legs walking down m g road... ( and they weren't on a chicken either!! )

In other unrelated news.... , can anyone tell me what the "Mis-interpreted magic words" are ? :) Anyone ... Anyone ?

~tta

Monday, March 20, 2006

 

of Lap tops and we men

status update for the 2nd tuesday of february...
no mani , no honey ...

our hero continues to roam the streets of the city, with one eye on the road, and the other eye on the scenery , pondering about sweet (pizza hut) ~memoiries .

yes. its as simple as that. a unsuspecting person can get caught in the tangled web of a short treats, or a delicious pasta toppings in all flavours... our hero is a connoisieur of fine dines and wines , and enjoys dishing out attention just as much as they enjoy receiving it.

we men, celebrate a function known as international we mens day. now as i come to understand , these 24 hours are supposed to give we men superior powers , that allows them to rise up and take over the world.... but then thats only for the day. Whats all the fuss about those 24 hours you say? its the 24 hours you hear we men screaming about how its their day , and those who do not belong to we men should not intrude...

after all, they say, those who are not we men , own the other 364 * 24 hours of the year. whats with the empowering crap i say! the only thing needed for empowerment is a facial reaction that stretches a few muscles and goes ( ** smooooch ** ) ...

.... well, the sound effects were just added for credibility ... after all, as the saying goes,
for every ** smooch ** there comes an even harder ** slap ** ...

yes ... the word is smile ... imagine walking down the road, surrounded by em pretties ( who by the way mani does not object to , or meet, or treat ! ) all smiling away to glory.... but they dont.

we men seldom smile. but the smile is something far more empowering that we men understand. we men dont need a day to feel powerful ! we men just need to smile !

The next time mani sees a pretty ( pretty == patient responsible endearing talented techie youth ) , he is probably going to invite her ( to buy him ) a cup of coffee :) ...

heheheh....

whats the deal with we men in the work place or house place anyway ? (Seinfelding here)

we know them ,we work with them , every family is made up of them , we cant live without them ( well it seems that we cant live with them either ) .....

we cant live with em because, when you hear noises behind a closed door, its ho*** ******g going on , that involves the use of several foreign objects like a b***m and a m*p , or even a v****m c*****r !!! ( god ,i cant beleive i said that out in public! )

to all the saints out there giving a bad name to the "Dirty old men" , get a life , or better yet, get a wife :)

on the subject anyway,

look for the bare necessities, the simple bare necessities,
forget about the worries and your wife(s).....
looook for the bare accessories, they are mother natures recipies,
just forget about your worries and your wife(s) ...

hehehe

not to mention, we men aren't that bad when it comes to focussing thier optic nerves at a point for long intervals. it only seems erroneous when a we men is focussed at by a non we man.

for those who havent lived with we men, you are seriously missing out on something. and they talk about empowerment ?

the beauty of a lap top lies in the packaging... ,
and the best faces/fibs are the ones that are not made up...

~tta / frasier / seinfeld / mani ...

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

 

Vis-a-Vis

Uncle Sam is calling! ... And so our hero jumps on the bandwagon and proceeds towards the light, where the grass is always greener, and the ladies daintier (proven by documented evidence :) ) ...
He travels not by an airbus, but something much more powerful, comfortable and much cooler.

With a rear-mounted, 6-cylinder,7-litre diesel engine, capable of 260 bhp @ 2200 rpm, 6-speed manual, fully synchronised gearbox ...

7 hours later our hero is travelling across town whilst his generous host awaits at the terminus. Only the wrong terminus... After finding his way to the right terminus, our hero is escorted home...

Where the grass is greener:

Our hero rests a day and figures out the his Jukebox doesn't like the voltages on the other side, and refuses to turn on. Within minutes, an autopsy reveals the internals of the once famous jukejam. After several failed attempts to defibrillate the dying device, our hero lets it rest till it returns to its homeland.

All importance is given to the PSP, who reigns supreme in this land. It has white earphones too!

'The day after tomorrow' would be the day after the eventful event and would turn out to be too late. So the next day, our hero proceeds to the place where no man has gone before* (*= without an appointment) . Reaching the entrance, he is questioned why his p******* is significantly shorter than others! Without an answer, our hero, proceeds into the inner chasms of the castle.

Inside, he is greeted by endless lines, and long rows of chairs. He becomes a sitter, a face in the crowd. Minutes later, his fingerprints are scanned and he is sent back to the drawing board for more waiting.

Mera number aayega..

About 30 minutes later, he hears his number called out! A pretty young lady gives him a 3 second preview scan and asks the first question for a thousand rupees. "So how long have you been working for __________ " . Our hero wonders.. 'being the first question, it couldn't be a trickie.. , and proceeds to answer.. 1.5 years... !! Woo hoo, now on to the second question, What are you coming to the other side for? Our hero answers this also without blinking an eyelid. ...
The third question , "When are you planning to have kids?" ... eeeks... ok.. our hero was not asked that question .. so may it be stricken from the records ...

The third question asked to him is how long he plans to work on the other side... He answers looks down, and is sent aside like a batsman dismissed before he starts his game. He is ushered to another counter, where he is made to pay the price ... the price for being granted what the world seeks ... a non immigrant classification used by aliens in specialty occupations....

After paying the price, our hero leaves the scene of the crime and is intercepted by an chauffer whose primary interest is the status of our hero's alienation. He refuses to budge till he is informed of the status... Sharing in our hero's joy, he proceeds to direct the limo in a general direction and proclaims 'How much!!!' 'How much!!!' ... Confused , our hero asks him 'How much!!!' this happy news is going to cost him. 'Whaat how much!! One lakh.. Two lakh... How much!! ' comes his reply. Our hero quickly proceeds to jump out of this one track minded one way limo and sets out on foot, listening to the blessings of the disgruntled limo driver....

A day passes by, and its time for our hero to return to the side from which he came, by the similar means... As he somehow finds his way to the platform 3 , which is somewhere in between 1,2,4,5,9 ( and after walking around in circles ) , he discovers, that his medium of transport has departed without him.

What follows is a close rendition of what ashok amritraj pulls off in Octopussy. Our hero travels by a bus till the main intersection , and whisks away in a high speed turbo charged autorickshaw, chasing through traffic, zig zagging around vehicles like no 3 wheeler has gone before... . Then they stop and give up chase, as they saw the omnibus, travelling past the horizon. Dismayed, they turn back and proceed homeward . A little while later, the autoracer notices that indeed there is another airbus hovering about the horizon , in wait for us, and proceeds back towards it, more fervently than before, with turns that would put a pulsar to shame...

On the omnibus finally, our hero proceeds to try and get some rest after the excitement dies down.

0400 hours, our hero opens his eyes, and he sees people disembarking the craft. On further enquiry, he discovers that he has arrived at his destination, a bit further than he should have de planed....

Another autoracer ride later, he is back at home and proceeds to eat the food of the gods, 'What it eez!' , the perfect early morning snack...

Our hero now has alien status in a specialty occupation and can be deported at any time...

till then eh?

~tta

Thursday, January 19, 2006

 

The lady and the tramp...

'twas an ordinary day...
mani rushed out of his house to catch the last bus to work with his certificates and certifications in hand.

getting into the bus he proceeded to his usual seat, and started to read up on 21st century employee manual, 'Dilbert and the Joy of Work' . He looked up and noticed the lady sitting in the seat across from him. She seemed to be totally engrossed , or in a trance of some sort. ( The trance will later be revealed as Radio Mirchi on a nokia 2300 ... ) Our hero, ( the tramp ) smirks and chortles at the witty humour of Scott Adams, while surveying the wondrous surroundings every once in a while.

... In the challengers corner, weighing ??? pounds, listening to radio mirchi 91 FM , bathed in sunlight and glory, and looking absolutely wonderflous,presenting '
the lady' .
And in this corner, weighing way too many pounds, reading intellectually humourous literature, surveying the wonderous surroundings, presenting... 'The Tramp...' .

Round 1: Ding...
The lady pulls a fast one and dozes off to slumber land... The tramp is left looking at the silhoutte of the sunlit 'whites whiter, colours brighter' lady in earphones... who every now and then opens her eyes for a quick look around, and then re enters her state of musical meditation.

Round 2: Ding...
The tramp is gently interrupted from his intellectual reading by what seems to be actual conversation! The lady mumbles out a few words, and the tramp looks up... The lady Spoke!! The lady spoke!! .... Only to understand her frantic mumblings indicate something like ' .. please .. move ..your .. bag... ow.... my .. feet ... ' . Non plussed, the tramp proceeds to remove the bag, only happy to be of service...

Round 3: Ding..
The lady re enters her state of meditation, and the tramp notices what they call - true inner peace ,also expressed as 'zzz zzz zzz ' ... After one quick glance at the scenery, that tramp too proceeds into suspend, only to awaken at the turn to the workplace , where he sees the lady, open her eyes , awakened by the bus crossing over the last bump in the road....

The lady and the tramp part ways...
Who knows? they might meet again next week??

~tramp :)

Sunday, January 15, 2006

 

(s)nazi camp!

mani was on his way back from work, on friday the 13th. it was a normal day. started normally, went on normally, and sucked just as much....

mani is quickly whisked onto the back of a waiting motorcycle, and carted off to what he knew to be a snazi camp.... but he was not worried. for he had with him, the PSP and the secret weapon - the GKI Offensive-XX !

After travelling miles more in the wrong direction, in search of ramamurthynagar platform 9.75 near the railway bridge, we travelled to kr nagar and saw the spectacular sight of the diesel loco shed.

immediately, shifting the discovery dtsi into -1 gear, we were carted off in the reverse direction seeking the so called platform 9.75 and looked onward for the Efemsee.

The Efemsee is a secret undercover lab run by some people where secret conferences are conducted under high levels of secrecy.

The Efemsee features:
* Fooz ball
* Badminton
* Table tennis
* Internet access
* Photon based thermal generators
* nourishment cabinets
* confidential rooms
* clean rooms...
and so on...

any way, the activities at the (s)nazi camp, the Efemsee, was titled,
The ultra super secret society meeting of the systematic extraordinary ladies and gentlemen.
i.e. the U.S.S. SMOTELAG

the meeting involved a lot of chanting, eating, sleeping, brainstorming, witnessing, dumb charading, and a special event for the WCDA - World Coffee Drinkers Association, a coffee drinking session at an undisclosed location.....

mani faced his opponent, darth vader, and battled to the finish in ba-dmin-ton and tablatannis, but was defeated in his attempts to overthrow the black suited man.

Our hero was made to stay in his cell along with the other inmates. A cell it was, for 20 inmates, but only 2 lay beside him. One proceeded to esc@PE the next day under the pretext of having to fix some automobiles in the capital.

thats where our hero meets fellow inmates.... err partners in crime. Namely, the Prince of Persia - Chucky , Girlwhosnamehecannot remember ( prema , sneha , ... sneha i think :) ) .. and fellow co-conspirators , a certain 'chachie' who is related to a the one who's name i cannot recall... ,

Somewhere along the line , he hears the familiar name of TJ mentioned. He listens closely. He asks, is it the TJ from CMC ? Ahh.. some kind of relative relatoin perhaps? Or maybe a relative of Cherrie from ABB?

Well.. they made us stand in a triangle and took photos of us :O !! The crazy veteran photographers!! What will they think of next?? Later , after several witnessing by a certain Sa?ia Mirza, the co conspirators proceed to split to oversee the embarkation of domestic officials, and to visit other important delegates of personal conferences...

48 hours later, our hero is released from the (s)nazi camp, after severe witnessing sessions , and 6 heavy meals, he tries to regain his composure.... Back home , our hero slowly regains composure and slowy proceeds to record the activities in the last 48 hours.

Hmm.. A (s)nazi camp for sure. I was a changed person. My wallet a lot lighter, me , a lot heavier, for sure.

mmm mani, mmm mani , mmmm mani.
No Chinta, even less mani. :)

~tta

This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?